Horoscopes: What will you do with your Easter egg?
By Daniel Hart and Frankie Hart, March 1 2019 —
Pisces
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
You stuck to your resolution of getting in shape! While on a run, you’ll discover some eggs in a nearby park. You’ll bring them home and down a glass of them, Rocky-style. The egg hunt will be ruined on account of there being… no eggs. Congratulations for ruining Easter, asshole.
Aries
(March 21 – April 19)
Your mind will start deteriorating while studying for midterms and you’ll find companionship in your Easter egg. You’ll lovingly name it Wilson.
Taurus
(April 20 – May 20)
You’ll crack an egg while preparing breakfast but become entranced with the mathematically perfect yet luscious curves of the yolk atop the egg white. Oh hell yeah, you love a sexy ellipse. You’ll never cook an egg again.
Gemini
(May 21 – June 20)
Your parents will stop paying your tuition after they discover your YouTube channel. “GF breaks up with me over EASTER EGG? (GONE EGG)”? Really? You must pay for your YouTube crimes.
Cancer
(June 21 – July 22)
You find a mysterious old book in the library with just the aesthetic you wanted on your Easter egg. While copying the design, you’ll accidentally summon the Mother Clucker — a malevolent chicken demon. Oh, cluck.
Leo
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
Despite all logic, reasoning and common decency, you will lay an Easter egg. Are you proud of yourself?
Virgo
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
After failing to find employment, you put your engineering degree to good use and figure out how to integrate a vibration motor into an actual egg. The Easter design on it will make it a hit on the market.
Libra
(Sept. 23 –Oct. 22)
As a goof for your friends, you will put an Easter egg in your mouth. If all those dogs can do it, why can’t you? Due of your hubris, the egg will crack in your mouth and you will look like a fool.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Everyone else has started ‘adulting’ — you, however, can barely make Kraft Dinner. You decide to try to take care of an egg for a week, treating it as your own child. On day five, you’ll wake up hungover and accidentally fry the wrong egg. You monster. RIP Eggetha Christie 2019–19.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You’ll paint an egg on your egg. “Egg-ception,” you’ll say to your friends. They won’t reply, as they are eggs.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Haunted by the memories of a failed science experiment involving an egg and straw contraption, you’ll obsessively engineer a secure, padded cell for your Easter egg until you’re convinced that it’ll never be in harm’s way.
Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
To make up for the lack of ‘tricks’ in Halloween’s ‘trick or treat’, you take all your Easter eggs and egg the campus. Non-academic misconduct is the greatest trick of all!