By Frankie Hart, February 14 2018 —
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Upon realizing all of your female friends actually have a Valentine, you will spend “Galentine’s Day” with your favourite cat. Paws before bras.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
Since there are only a few more days until Reading Week, you’ll decide your gift to your single self is to not show up to class for the rest of the week. You will spend this time crying and hibernating in a cocoon of blankets, only to wake up right before finals.
(March 21 – April 19)
You will lose your potential Valentine over a “Roll Up The Rim”-related dispute. You’d be okay to part with a free coffee, but a $50 Tims Card? Are they delusional?
(April 20 – May 20)
You’ll spend the whole day insisting to everyone that you’re “totally not bothered” about being alone on Valentine’s Day but burst into tears when your prof doesn’t respond to your email within two hours.
(May 21 – June 20)
In an attempt to distract yourself from this day of love, you’ll throw yourself into a new hobby — knitting. Your friends will become very concerned as you give each of them a knitted toaster-cozy, which you “made with love.”
(June 21 – July 22)
You’ll experience a life-changing moment by realizing that the love of your life has been in front of you this whole time — the internet. Who said that Netflix-and-chill required another person?
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
You actually have a date that you love for Valentine’s Day. Psh, how original. Get over yourself.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
The CSIS agent who watches your computer activity through your webcam will finally muster up the courage to ask you out. You will have a lovely dinner before he arrests you for that music you know you shouldn’t have downloaded.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
On your way home from campus, you’ll see some rabbits. Oh god. What are they doing? Stop that. You’re cute creatures. This is unholy.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You’ll have the perfect date for Valentine’s Day, but when you wake up the next morning, your lover will be gone. Where have they gone? What was their name? You feel heart-wrenching yet vague memories tugging at your chest. You will remember none of this by next week.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
In an incredible miscalculation, Cupid’s arrow will strike you in the head rather than the heart, killing you instantly.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
While doing your Valentine’s Day makeup based on a YouTube tutorial, you’ll accidentally blind yourself with pink glitter and have to cancel your date to go to the emergency room.