Will the planets align for you to pass your midterms?

By Frankie Hart, October 28 2016 —

 

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

We don’t know what you did to piss off the planets this time, dear Libra, but they’re ready to wreck your shit. Triple-check your alarm the night before your test just in case — Mars can be an asshole.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

The universe really seems to have it out for you, you detestable Scorpio. It’s debatable whether or not you even deserve to know how they’re gonna mess up your GPA this time around. Dig your heels into the ground and just hope for the best.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

What’s that smell? Burning toast? No. That, my friend, is the smell of a stroke — and an actual excusable midterm absence.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

The secret to success at the University of Calgary is actually quite simple — making a sacrifice to the vaguely bird-looking metal statue. Yes, it’s supposed to be a bird. Yes, it yields mystical powers beyond our comprehension. Harness them for that sweet 4.0.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

While cramming at the TFDL, you will transcend your human flesh into infinite wisdom. This is due to the relative positions of Mercury to Venus. You will return to normal within a week.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20) 

The power of the stars may compel you to take a nap, but now is not the time. You should probably finish bubbling in your student ID and all the questions on your test first.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

In the middle of your midterm you will decide that since you have no access to a dog, you will eat your own test. The ink is surprisingly tasty, though a little tart.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

You know your professor has office hours, right? You’re gonna need them. You might as well get on a first-name basis with them, you’ll be up there so much, seeing as all you do in lecture is sleep.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

During your test you will realize that you have no idea what the questions are talking about. To escape, you will harness the power of your body and hyperventilate until you pass out.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

Congratulations — the planets decided to take it easy on you. Or did they forget you exist, like how you are currently forgetting the deadline for that paper that’s due tonight? Oh shit.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will let one rip during the midterm and it’s gonna be really loud when the test is really quiet. Don’t even try to avoid it, you’ll only make it worse.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

During your next midterm, the planets will decide to help you out and grant you hyper-focused sight to peek at your peers’ answers. You will realize you were just hallucinating from sleep deprivation.