Kaleem Khan

Your future is cooler than cool — it’s ice cold

By Derek Baker, March 14 2017 —

 

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will accidentally leave the heating pad on your bed plugged in all day. Alongside the obvious fire hazard, you will burn your ass when you crawl into bed that night.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

You will lick a metal pole on a -20 C day just to see if it’s actually cold enough to stick. Yah — ith sthickths!

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

Your car will not start one morning because it’s so damn cold out. You will place multiple George Foreman Grills underneath the car in an attempt to warm it up. It won’t work.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

Refusing to believe that no two snowflakes look alike, you will start a collection by converting your basement into a deep freezer. You will finally find a match in the year 2042.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

You will be inexplicably zapped into a parallel dimension that holds every mitten you’ve ever lost. See mom — I told you they had to be somewhere.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

After making a snowman, he will spring to life. However, this isn’t Frosty — this is Frosty’s cousin Snowy and he’s a real jerk.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

While walking back to your car after school, you will contemplate why you live in a place where the air hurts your face in the middle of March.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

There’s only one thing in Calgary that saves us from freezing solid throughout the entire winter. Though you will rejoice at the sight of a chinook arch over the mountains, you will be bedridden with a pressure migraine the next day. We can’t all be winners.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

After seeing the thermometer dip below -40 C, you will miss your midterm after declaring that no self-respecting person  should go outside. Your professor, unfortunately, won’t see things this way.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will get frostbite on the tip of your nose. The next time you blow your nose, it will fall off. Unsure what to do, you will attempt to superglue it back on your face, but will accidentally put it on upside down.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

While on a ski trip in Banff, you will run into a moose. The moose will find this very rude and kick you straight in the nuts. The park ranger will ban you from all national parks in Canada for a year.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) 

After going outside with your hair still wet, it will be so cold out that it will freeze and parts will snap off. Luckily, you’ve wanted a fringe haircut for a while now.

 

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