By Drew Thomas, March 7 2017 —
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
You will soon come into a plethora of free food from SU gimmicks. Also, your new SU rep will do absolutely nothing to affect your day-to-day life. But hey — free pizza.
(March 21 – April 19)
The dead-eyed, ever unblinking stares of the SU candidates’ posters in MacHall will intimidate you as you eat your lunch. Just let me eat my Carl’s Jr. thickburger in peace.
(April 20 – May 20)
Your increased efforts towards getting good grades have been duly noted by your professor. However, the effort will likely be as effective as your new SU faculty reps.
(May 21 – June 20)
Keep up the good work — your positivity is infectious. And not in the cloyingly annoying way your new SU rep is.
(June 21 – July 22)
You are perfect in every way. People will try to change you, saying you “need to get more engaged.” Ignore them.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
An excessively positive outlook will help you go far in the days to come. Unfortunately, administration doesn’t bend to the will of rainbows and sunshine. Keep trying, SU representatives.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
If you feel lost recently, take the time to relax and pause for a moment of self-reflection. Take comfort in the fact you probably have more of an idea about what you’re doing than your new SU reps.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Today will be a good day — that thing you’ve been dreaming of will finally come true. Your SU rep did not contribute to this newfound success in any way.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Now is the time to make positive changes in your life. Take up running — you’ll likely run a better campaign than your new SU rep did.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Go to the election results party at the Den. Get blackout drunk with the new elects who will soon be in control of an organization with over $17-million in expenditures.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
This is the time to work on your burning passion and renew your dedication for as long as your SU rep does, which is about the six minutes during SLC before they end up on Facebook.
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Be cautiously optimistic about new developments on campus. Keep tabs on the elected officials next year by going to every single SLC meeting. If you get bored, we recommend taking a pillow into the gallery to nap.
This article is part of our humour section.