Your future is technologic

By Derek Baker, October 10 2017 —

Libra 

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Your professor will spend the majority of every single lecture trying to get the computer to hook up to the projector. You paid $500 for this.

 

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You will make the ill-advised decision to add members of your family on Snapchat. Using the new ‘Snap Map’ feature, your mother will show up to the karaoke bar where you’re drunkenly belting “Sweet Caroline.”

 

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

The person you’ve been flirting with on Tinder is actually a sex robot. Yes, those exist. You’re so lonely that you’ll go for it anyway.

 

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Someone will forget their phone after your lecture ends, which you will pick up with the intention of bringing to the lost and found. However, you have another class immediately after, where the forgotten phone will ring incessantly, causing you to get kicked out of lecture. This is what you get for trying to be nice.

 

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You will come to the realization that the largest stressor in your life is trying to submit your TopHat answer before the question closes.

 

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

The battery on your laptop will die halfway through your lecture, resulting in you having to take notes by hand like some sort of primitive caveman.

 

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

You will get into a heated debate with a friend about whether Mac or PC computers are better. Though the issue is trivial, the argument will conclude with you throwing your friend’s computer off their balcony.

 

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

The coordinates you typed into your car’s GPS will take you to the middle of the Glenmore Reservoir, which you will follow blindly. Blub, blub, blub.

 

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

While watching hockey at home, the satellite signal will conk out just as the game goes into a shootout. Fuck you, Shaw.

 

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

On the night before a paper is due, your computer will crash and everything on its hard drive will be erased. You will stare at the blank screen in disbelief for three hours before rushing to scramble something together and submit it to D2L by 11:59 p.m.

 

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Upon noticing your professor acting a bit strange and robotic, you will begin to suspect that he may actually be a cyborg. To confirm your suspicions, you’ll throw a glass of water at him. He will short-circuit and class will be cancelled for the remainder of the term.

 

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You will blast Daft Punk’s “Technologic” in the car while driving with your friends. They will be shocked that you know every word — and slightly concerned with the amount of time you must have on your hands.