By Tina Shaygan, February 7, 2018 —
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Your partner, who has already broken up with you 25 times, will break up with you again, making it the least shocking thing to happen this month. You shouldn’t need this horoscope — everyone told you this would happen.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
Your Netflix-and-chill buddy will declare they’re not in the mood to “chill.” You’ll respect them like a decent human being and binge-watch How I Met Your Mother together instead.
(March 21 – April 19)
Your stepmom will walk in on you having sex. Life will become so awkward that you’ll pack your bags and move overseas. This isn’t how it plays out in pornos, unfortunately.
(April 20 – May 20)
You’ll have a week of healthy, normal sex. No one walks in. No one makes weird noises. Life is truly good.
(May 21 – June 20)
You’ll pass out from embarrassment at Thursden after realizing everyone you’ve ever slept with is in the room. You can’t bear the thought of that many people having seen you naked.
(June 21 – July 22)
You’ll have the steamiest sex on the beach this summer. Unfortunately, this will lead to you spending the next year removing sand from your genitals.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
After much anticipation, you’ll have a frustratingly disappointing threesome. You didn’t expect an extra person to mean so many more limbs to deal with.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You will adopt your 39th cat this week after yet another man disappoints you in bed.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
After having the wildest sex of your life, the thrill will die down when you realize you now must walk across campus in only your underwear, as all your clothes are now ripped.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You’ll spend the entire week fighting with your significant other because they had a dream you had sex with someone else. Seriously, how could you?!
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Finding out you got chlamydia won’t be the worst part of your month — it’s when you have to call up everyone on your floor from first-year residence to let them know.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
The next person you’ll bang is so good in bed you’ll accidentally propose after. They’ll accept.