By Derek Baker, October 31 2017 —
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
A Christmas song will play on the radio this week. You will deliberately crash your car to make it stop.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
It will be so cold out that your hand will stick to the metal door handles you push to get into MacHall. You are now the property of the University of Calgary.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You will have to break up with your significant other after you find a playlist of theirs that only contains remixes of Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby.”
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You will waste half-an-hour of time on your midterm because your fingers were too cold to grip your pencil.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
Someone will dare you to drink liquid nitrogen while in a chemistry lab. Joke’s on them — your icy soul can’t be made any colder.
(March 21 – April 19)
Your day will start off in the worst way possible — you will have to scrape ice off your windshield with a crappy scraper.
(April 20 – May 20)
Someone’s shitty offspring will throw a snowball at you while you’re walking to school. You’ll get them back by pelting them in the face with a larger snowball, then be arrested promptly.
(May 21 – June 20)
After a long day at school, you’ll go to Stör with a real hankering for a lime slushie — obviously, the superior slushie flavour. However, when you see that they only have blue raspberry and Dr. Pepper slushies, you’ll revolt and trash the store. Your picture will then be put up on the wall and you’ll be served a lifetime ban from Stör.
(June 21 – July 22)
A drafty window by your desk will make you need to wear seven layers of clothes while at work. You will feel like a snowman in your five sweaters and two jackets.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
You’ll be consistently three minutes late for a lecture you have in Science B for the rest of the semester because you have a class in Murray Fraser Hall immediately before — and you refuse to walk outside between classes.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You will stand at the bus stop one cold morning for over an hour just because the bus didn’t feel like coming today. Thanks, Calgary Transit.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You’ll come to the 100 per cent correct conclusion that the most underrated Britney Spears song is “Break the Ice.” You will then proceed to lose your shit when it comes on at the club.