By Melanie Woods, January 19 2016 —
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You will be approached by a stranger in gold who will fuck you over and give you a cold.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
While listening to your favourite radio podcast, you’ll remember that every moment could be your last.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will board the train one cold winter’s eve and find yourself trapped, unable to leave.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Pay attention to anything green or else you’ll suffer a ruptured spleen.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A new musical will be written about your career. It will be cancelled within a year.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You’ll go to a party, get fucking lit, then quickly realize you don’t know shit.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Your final exam marks will finally arrive and you’ll thank the heavens your GPA is alive.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Your favourite sports team will lose the big game, though life-altering concussions still remain.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Upon opening a book, you will be shocked to find, an exact representation of the workings of your mind.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You will discover a new and flavourful type of beer, made by brewing crushed dreams for a year.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
While attending a local theatre’s play, you’ll realize everyone is made of clay. Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) You will be smitten with the ideals of proletariat revolution until you remember this means no more iPhone evolutions.