By Derek Baker, March 28 2017 —
(March 21 – April 19)
Your next group project partner will think you’re stupid and refuse to assign you any meaningful portion of the project. Let them — while they’re pulling all-nighters finishing the work, you can pull all-nighters dancing at the Den, slay the presentation the next day and then crush the final exam.
(April 20 – May 20)
Since your professor said you couldn’t do the project individually even after you asked them several times, you will make up three students and enrol them at the U of C to be your group members. This will both be the best group you’ve ever been with and the most expensive.
(May 21 – June 20)
After you and a group member have an intense feud on a Google doc while editing one night, you will have the most most saccharinely fake conversation the next morning in class as if nothing ever happened. But we all know it did.
(June 21 – July 22)
You will literally set the TFDL workroom on fire after threatening to do so if your group didn’t get their shit together.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
Cleverly masked with smiley emoticons and “kind regards,” your inbox will be filled with over 50 passive-aggressive emails as your group tries to schedule a meeting.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Frustrated by your group’s lack of cooperation, you will each prepare your part of the presentation individually. The compiled PowerPoint presentation will look like Frankenstein’s monster and earn you a score of zero for visual appeal.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Uh oh, your professor just said the two most frightening words you can hear in university — “group essay.”
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You will create a Facebook group chat specifically for communication among your group for the project. It will be overran by a shitposter who sends poorly-rendered and somewhat racist memes at 2:30 a.m.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Thankfully, you will find out that you have one friend in your lab who will be an ally in any group project. You will look at each other ironically like you’re in The Office whenever another group member says something stupid, which is often.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You will get into a physical altercation with one of your group members over what colour the poster should be.
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Refusing to let any of your group do any of the work, you will do the entire project by yourself. You will then be shocked and angered that the your group didn’t do any of the work.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
Discovering that you’re not really a “people person” after a particularly stressful group project, you will drop out of school, peace out of society and live with a family of wolves in the Rocky Mountains.