By Joie Atejira, October 3 2017 —
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Though you’re not a fan of horror movies or clowns, an impromptu viewing of the new It film will stir a clown fetish deep inside of you. The red nose and big shoes really get you going.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Channeling Taylor Swift’s new dark persona, your infamously passionate and intense self can’t come to the phone right now, ‘cause you’re dead. Please leave a message.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You will finally get into that class you’ve been waitlisted for — in November.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You’ve on track for a degree in cellular and molecular biology, but you’ll be hit by an epiphany that will make you switch to art history.
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Though you once cringed every time you heard “Gangnam Style,” you will become a die-hard K-pop fan by the end of this semester.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
You think you’re doing fine in calculus. Wolfram Alpha’s got your back and you’re crushing the WebWork. However, that final worth 50 per cent will destroy you.
(March 21 – April 19)
Looking at your transcript, you know you need to take a few GPA boosters to salvage your degree. Unfortunately, that GRST class you took for an “easy A” will pull you down further. Time to take a dean’s vacation.
(April 20 – May 20)
Your mother will accidentally shrink all the luxury knitwear you splurged on in September in the dryer. Hey, now you can wear them in the summer as crop tops.
(May 21 – June 20)
By early December, you’ll be in a pretty serious relationship with your supposedly one-off Thursden date.
(June 21 – July 22)
A series of unexpected events will propel you to be an executive of the The Room (2003) Appreciation Club, which your brother Mark started. It will be written in the bylaws that whenever he walks into a club meeting, you must recite the infamous line.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
Sadly, no surprises await you because you never change. Sorry.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Your dog will eat your final lab report. It was your only hope to guarantee a passing grade for this course.