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Justin Quaintance

Holiday jobs for the broke and unemployed

By Jill Girgulis, November 29 2016 —

People tend to become strapped for cash during the holiday season. Every year we vow to spend less on presents, treats and parties and instead focus on the immaterial aspects of the holidays. Despite good intentions, it’s still not a pretty sight when the bills roll in. If you’re looking for a way to make a little extra money without subjecting yourself to unspeakable evil by picking up another shift at Bath and Body Works, consider responding to one of these classifieds.

 

Christmas Companion:

Job Description:  A charming individual is required to accompany the employer to all of their family gatherings to neutralize the judgmental stares normally directed their way for being 23 and single. Duties include peeling carrots with grandmother while she rants about Donald Trump, losing at Just Dance 2017 with the cousins and not laughing at embarrassing baby photos of the employer.

Hours:  Four hours on Dec. 24 with the grandparents, six hours in the afternoon on Dec. 25 with the extended cousins and 12 hours on Boxing Day.

Pay: The employer will quantify the value of the applicant based on the success of the events.

 

De-Christmaser:

Job Desciption: Successful applicants will be tasked with removing all the ornaments from the Hilbert family Christmas tree in a timely fashion, as well as neatly wrapping the 100 metres of lights found around the tree. Children’s presents will need to be sorted and put away in the bedrooms.

Hours: 6:00 a.m. starting Jan. 1 until job completion.

Pay: $500 for the job, with a $50 bonus available if the applicant manages to complete the job before next December, which is when it usually gets done.

 

Gift-wrapping Maestro:

Job Description: Carefully and artistically wrap the employer’s presents for the office Christmas party, the co-ed soccer team, the aunts and uncles, the children, the children’s classmates, the dogs and the mailman — but don’t do such a good job that everyone can tell the employer didn’t wrap anything themself.

Hours: As many hours as it takes leading up to Christmas Eve.

Pay: Employee will receive $300 and will be allowed to select one unwrapped present (valued at $30 or less) from the gift pile to keep for themselves. Cost of gift wrap and tape will be deducted from the stipend.

 

This article is part of our humour section

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