The Gauntlet / How to prove you’re a real baseball fan this October - The Gauntlet
Courtesy Keith Allison

How to prove you’re a real baseball fan this October

By Melanie Woods, October 11 2016 —

 

The Toronto Blue Jays made the playoffs again this year, which means baseball — traditionally the sport of bubblegum and radio — is suddenly the most interesting thing in the world for Canadians across the country. While you probably want to follow the ongoing MLB playoffs to keep up with what everyone’s talking about, you might worry about being called out as a bandwagon-jumper. To help, we compiled four things you can do to convince them all you’re a real fan.

 

Throw beer at things that make you angry:

Stuck in traffic? Someone really getting on your nerves? Toss a full can of beer at them as hard as you can. It’s even better if you hit a baby or a member of the opposing team along the way. According to recent events, that’s what baseball fans do so you better start doing it to convince them you’re a real fan. Maybe stay away from the racial slurs though.

 

Wear the jersey of a player from, like, at least five years ago:

Wander over to Value Village and pick up the jersey of a player who played at least some time before 2010 — the rattier and more worn out the better. To convince them all you’re a real fan, wear the jersey, sigh whenever something good happens and say something like “it’s amazing how far we’ve come” or “baseball’s not like it used to be.” This will earn the loyalty of true fans.

 

Say random strings of numbers and letters a lot:

With statistics like OPI, RBI and OBP, baseball often sounds like a an acronym generator and not a real sport. To convince them all you’re a real fan, just start saying random number and letter combinations. Tell anyone who will listen that you hear Josh Donaldson has a 0.669 JPG rating and a 1.32 GIF. Follow that up with discussions of Aaron Sanchez’s flawless SCUBA percentage and 0.009 AAAAAAAH. This is sure to fool them into thinking you’re a real fan.

 

Similarly, make up really obscure statistics:

“Do you know Encarnation hits 0.333 against left-handed pitchers when the moon is waxing gibbous?” you’ll say. True baseball fans love obscure stats. Make sure to mention how José Bautista’s bat flip last season was Statscast® projected to be the same speed as a Nerf dart’s exit velocity. No one will be able to question you, but they will be impressed by your use of statistics and believe you to be a true baseball fan.

 

This article is part of our humour section.



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