By Jill Girgulis, March 21 2017 —
For the first time in many years, the season of Spring has surpassed Winter for the title of “Most Apathetic Season.” In order to be eligible for this distinction, candidate seasons had to meet the following criteria: 1) completely disregard their expected annual durations and 2) generally not give a fuck about what people want.
After a long, seemingly endless Winter with at least one snowstorm every month since October, pundits were caught off guard by the chilly season’s surprise loss.
“Myself and the good people at the Weather Network were expecting Winter to cruise to an easy win this year,” meteorologist Chris Cumulus said. “Seriously, who can forget scraping off their car windows at 6:55 a.m. for two weeks straight in December when they needed to be somewhere at 7:00 a.m.?”
A common reason cited for why so many people voted Spring for “Most Apathetic Season” was the fact that it’s been repeatedly breaking hearts since New Year’s. According to countless individuals, Spring is guilty of getting people’s hopes up by making appearances and raising temperatures into the double-digits, before disappearing without a trace 48 hours later.
“I haven’t felt this abandoned since Valentine’s Day,” regular Weather Network viewer Stephen Stratus said. “Oh Spring, where are you?”
Another factor that contributed to Spring’s come-from-behind victory was her severe lack of empathy towards the students who take Calgary Transit.
“I literally wore holes through my mittens, that’s how often I had to wear them,” Status said.
When asked about her recent triumph and underdog status, Spring was less than enthusiastic.
“Yeah, so I won. Whatever. Will I be back to defend my title next year? Who knows? Who cares?” Spring said.
Unfortunately for ectotherms everywhere, at the time of printing, Spring had no concrete plans for her future.
“I’ll show up when I wanna show up. How does a chinook sound? I bought stock in Advil,” Spring said. “Then again, maybe I’ll hand the reins back to Winter and just hibernate until the end of your semester, after your last exam.”
Spring justified her apathetic behaviour by mentioning that all of the seasons have had enough with people lately.
“All you guys ever do is complain, complain, complain. It’s either too hot or too cold, too rainy or not rainy enough,” Spring said. “So, the other seasons and I got together and started fucking with the weather. Yeah, we’re causing climate change.”
Concerned about an apparent lack of direction, Spring’s counsellor Dr. Ned Nimbus offered a few words.
“Perhaps Spring, just like the rest of us, is suffering from a severe case of seasonal affective disorder,” Nimbus said. “She could also be feeling a little blue from constantly having to live in that damn groundhog’s shadow.”
This article is part of our humour section.